


Rimmer's Luck Changes

by constipatedmuse



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Smut, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Implied Sexual Content, Lemon, Light Angst, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Mild Smut, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader-Insert, Self-Indulgent, Sex Toys, Smut, Tags May Change, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-02 20:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constipatedmuse/pseuds/constipatedmuse
Summary: Life aboard the Dwarf is weird. Rimmer is dense, but cute.Starts before hard light.I rewrote chapter one after watching the show for the 900th time.





	1. 106: Me2

**Author's Note:**

> I have an idea of where this is going, but it might take a while to get there. Any ideas, comments, criticisms, critiques, etc., good or bad, are welcome.

When I heard the roaring sound, I looked up from my work on the stasis unit. "What the f--?" The door slammed into my head, knocking me out.  
I was in a bit of a stupor when I came to. I heard a pair of voices arguing. Eventually, my brain fog lifted a bit, and I realized the voice was explaining that I had been revived.  
"Revived?" I slurred.  
The face laughed. "You were fixing the stasis unit when the radiation leak hit. Holly managed to close and activate the unit before you got vaporized."  
"Oh. Okay," I started to stand up, but as my brain chewed on that last statement, it took processing power from my motor functions. Consequently, I landed back on my ass. "Wait, no. Not okay. Radiation leak?"  
"Er, yeah. There was an improperly maintenanced thing that led to a leak that led to everyone getting vaporized. Except me, Lister, and my cat, Frankenstein. I was also in stasis, and she escaped into the cargo hold. Holly kept driving for 3 million years, so that's where we are."  
"3 million years into space?"  
"Yup," Lister chirped.  
I rubbed my forehead. "If you were in stasis, too, how do you know what's going on?"  
"I told you she'd ask," the other voice said.  
I blinked at it, then looked back to Lister.  
He rubbed the back of his neck. "That's Rimmer. He's a git," he said.  
Rimmer broke in. "Holly forgot about you."  
"Holly what?" I screeched, then turned back to Lister. "Wait. How long have you been awake?"  
"Not too long," Lister tried to assure me.  
I pushed myself to my feet. "I'm going to microwave him."  
"Is this how you get two babies? Because if not, I call bagsies," a third voice said.  
"Two b-- What??"  
Lister flapped his arm at the third person. "Smeg off, Cat!" He offered me his other arm. "Need some help getting to the medi bay?"  
I snorted. "I'm good. Thanks."  
"Good," Rimmer said. "We woke you up to help with Lister's hallucinations, but they've, erm, died. So that's fine, then."  
Cat rolled his eyes and jerked his thumb at Rimmer. "Now, we're dealing with two of him."  
A second Rimmer standing slightly behind the first waved.  
"Ah," I said. "Maybe we should go to the medi bay."

* * *

The Rimmers got on everyone's nerves. Cat avoided them, and they avoided Lister. I've never gotten on well with cats, and apparently, that translated to felis sapiens, as well. Lister only wanted to drink. So that left me with the Rimmers.  
One of them was insufferable and abusive, but the other was merely annoying. I did my best to keep them separated, so I could spend time with Rimmer Prime, as I'd designated him. The other Rimmer felt we were slighting him, so he stayed away out of spite.  
But at night, they exercised and studied together. They even slept occasionally. But because they were in a competition to outdo each other, they didn't sleep long.  
Since they didn't eat, and they weren't sleeping, they were constantly arguing. One night, I wandered by just in time to see Rimmer Prime trying to choke back tears.  
"Are you okay?" I asked.  
He forced a smile. "Fine, thank you." He tried to push past me, but I refused to move. His pride wouldn't let him walk through me, so he just stood there. Finally, he made eye contact.  
"I like you," I said.  
He gaped for a moment, then sarcastically said, "That's lovely. Can I get past now?"  
"Sure," I said, stepping aside.

* * *

The next day, Lister turned off the second Rimmer, and we all got thoroughly drunk.


	2. 306: The Last Day

One day, we received a message from DivaDroid, telling us about Kryten's impending doom. He took it badly, but Lister figured out a way to cheer him up.  
We threw the biggest, most lavish, expensive-looking party Kryten had ever seen for his "death." We dug through every locker, personal space, and pocket until we found enough decorations, balloons, and lights. We made tuxedos for the boys, a tiara for Holly, and a floor-length dress for me.  
My breath hitched when I saw Rimmer. I wasn't prepared for him to look that good. My heart somersaulted. I quickly took a shot of something only slightly less deadly than what Kryten was drinking to steady my nerves.  
After giving Kryten his gifts, Cat and I danced and sampled the punch and hors d'oeuvres, while Kryten and Holly chose the music.  
Suddenly, I heard a slap. I jerked around in time to see Rimmer hit himself again. "What are you? 13?" Lister yelled.  
Rimmer rolled his eyes, but he nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. I noticed Lister pull Kryten aside. Then, Kryten smiled, and the music changed to something slow.  
Rimmer walked to me, stuck out his hand, and with surprising confidence, said, "Dance with me."  
I looked at his hand and back to him. "But I can't --"  
"That's what I said to that gimboid," jerking his thumb toward Lister, "but he assures me that we can, quote, 'fake it 'til we make it,'" making a face at the end.  
"Listen, goalpost-head, I'll take --" Cat started.  
Lister scooted in behind me and grabbed Cat's outstretched hand. "I'll explain it to you later," he said.  
I didn't break eye contact with Rimmer as we walked out to dance. He did, in fact, dance like a middle schooler, but that was fine by me. I can't dance, either. But I put my arms around his hologrammatic neck, and he wrapped his incorporeal hands around my waist, and we swayed in time to the music. For a heartbeat, I swore I could actually feel his breath on my ear.  
Then the song changed again, and I noticed Cat and Lister. Dave was intently staring at his shoes, and Cat was trying hard not to grimace, as they slow danced next to us. I laughed so hard that I stepped on a piece of my gown, lost my footing, and tumbled into a pile on the floor.  
Rimmer followed me down. "Are you alright? Should I call a skutter?"  
Convulsing with laughter, it was all I could do to squeal, "Did you see? Did you see them?"  
Rimmer looked up. "You complete wastes of oxygen!" he railed. "Why couldn't you keep yourselves together for 2 whole minutes?"  
"What?" Cat said. "We got bored!"

* * *

The next day, after fighting Kryten's replacement, we set its remains aside. We planned to use it to augment the Dwarf, Holly, and Kryten. Before I could do much, though, I grunted and grabbed my head. "I'm going to my bunk to sleep this off," I declared.  
Dave grabbed some water and aspirin and followed me. When I sat down on the edge of my bed, he handed them to me. After swallowing a handful, I finally asked him, "Why did you have Rimmer dance with me? To a slow song, no less?"  
"Because I'm not blind? He's spineless, and you're too stubborn."  
"Too stubborn to what?"  
"To admit that you liii-iike him." He wiggled his fingers at my consternation.  
"Like him?" I blushed furiously. "What are you talking about?"  
"You literally stopped breathing for a moment when he walked in."  
"Because I was surprised --"  
"And you stared at him all night."  
"I didn't want him to screw up --"  
"And Holly told me."  
"Holly has fewer IQ points than the damn Talkie --"  
"Hey!" Holly and the Toaster protested in unison.  
"Besides," I sighed, taking a drink. "I can't even touch him."  
Lister finished off his lager. "And?"  
"Why get us both worked up over nothing?" I asked, quietly.  
Always the romantic, Dave countered, "Love's not nothing."  
"Love?" I squeaked. "Surely, it's too early to --"  
"So it is something!" Dave crowed in victory, standing up and throwing his hands in the air.  
"Fine!" I hissed. "Do you need to announce it to the whole damn ship?"  
"Need to? No..." he winked.  
"I will jettison the curry."  
"Alright, alright," he backpedaled. "But if you don't tell him, I will."  
I finished my drink and sighed. "Fine."


	3. Chapter 3

Taking Lister's advice for once, I started walking toward Rimmer's bunk. As I passed a stack of Lister's lager, I hesitated. Headache or not, a little liquid courage couldn't hurt. I grabbed a couple and kept walking.  
I walked into Rimmer's room and found him in his underwear, having Holly brush his teeth. "Hey, Rimmer," I said, cracking open a can. "I've got something to say, and I need you to keep your comments to a minimum."  
"Er, all right," he responded, sitting down.  
I stuttered for a moment, trying to think of a subtle way to say 'I'd fuck your brains out if you had a physical presence, you neurotic, massive nostriled git.'  
I settled for "I like you."  
He stared at me.  
"I like-like you, smeghead. I want to go out sometime."  
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Please."  
"Please what? I know we can't leave Red Dwarf, but I thought we could go to a movie. What do you think?"  
"I don't find this funny," he said, scowling.  
"Neither do I, Rimmer."  
"Then, give it up!"  
"Are you honestly going to tell me you don't feel anything? Not even when we were on the dance floor?"  
"Oh, yes, I say I have all these feelings, then Cat, Lister, and Kryten come out to laugh at me!"  
I stepped closer. "So you do have feelings?"  
"No, no, I-- I never said that."  
"Rimmer," Holly chimed in. "There's a beautiful woman in front of you who knows exactly how screwed up you are, understands she can't touch you, and you're Rimmer-ing it all up!"  
"'Rimmer-ing' can't possibly be a --"  
"Oh, it is, I assure you," I said.  
His face fell. "This is exactly why I don't want... I mean, I'm already a joke, why are you..."  
I rolled my eyes. "Holly, show him."  
"What?" Holly asked, confused.  
I slapped the side of her console. "The conversation I literally just had with Dave! The one before I chugged a couple of beers to psych myself up for this!"  
"You said to destroy that."  
"I did."  
Holly hesitated.  
"Hol, you didn't delete it. You never do what I tell you, so why would you start now?"  
She grinned and nodded. "Yeah, alright." She played the footage.  
Rimmer gestured to the console. "This could be part of the --" He stopped as his head bounced forward. "Holly, did you hit me?"  
"I did."  
"Arnold," I interrupted. "I told you how I feel, and you can do with it as you like. I'm going to my bunk."


	4. Chapter 4

Rimmer walked into my room just as I was starting to drift off.  
"Huh? Wha' d'you want?" I slurred.  
"I've spoken with Cat and Lister."  
"Uh huh."  
"And they've convinced me you're serious."  
"How's that?"  
He grinned. "They've agreed to let me have the skutters pinch their testicles every morning at 3am for 2 whole months if they're lying. It's kind of a win-win for me."  
I giggled. "Is it wrong that I want to pretend it's a joke just to see that?"

* * *

Our date was to the movies. Lister tried 5 times to get us to watch Casablanca, but after I threatened to feed him his curry rectally, he shut up. Instead, we watched sci-fi movies all night. Rimmer and I powered through several buckets of popcorn and soda. I briefly envied the fact that he didn't have to take pee breaks, until I remembered that he also couldn't ki-- touch anything.  
We didn't make it back to my bunk until after even Lister had gone to bed.  
Rimmer looked around, surprised. "I don't think I've been to your bunk," he said.  
"Yeah, we usually go to your room. But as I'm the only girl, I commandeered the captain's room."  
"I suppose it's within your rights, since you're the only remaining officer."  
"I've been wondering why you and Lister don't do the same."  
"I'm not an officer, and Listy is too lazy to move."  
"Who cares if you're an officer? Take a bigger room. Bob and Madge have moved in to the science officer’s room."  
"Bob and M-- You mean the skutters have their own room?" he yelled.  
I burst out laughing. "Yeah, they're great neighbors. They keep the noise to a minimum, and we share anything good we find."  
"Like what?" he asked.  
"Like I have better toilet paper, and they have higher quality oil changes."  
He snorted.  
I sat down on my bed. "Thanks, Arnold. I had a great time."  
He sat down next to me and looked at his hands. "I did, too."  
I looked at him for a second. "I-- I, er, I’d really like to kiss you," I breathed.  
He jumped back and stared at me like I'd told him Cat had burned all his clothes, fixed Holly, and gotten us back to Earth.  
He glanced at my lips. "Well, you can't."  
"I know," I sighed. "I just wanted you to know I would if I could." I leaned forward and kissed the air where his cheek should’ve been. When I pulled back, his eyes were closed.  
He slowly opened his eyes when he sensed that I'd sat back. "You're the first person who’s ever done that."  
"Really? What about Yvonne?"  
"She was concussed. I don't think she really counts."  
I laughed. "No, I don't think she does. I won't tell Lister that, though."  
"Thanks," he said.  
"Speaking of Lister, I noticed he was asleep when we passed your bunk. Why don't you stay with me?"

* * *

I felt someone shaking me. "Mum," I heard. "Mum, it's breakfast time."  
"Kryten, don' wanna get up. 'S up late."  
"Mum, it's Lister's breakfast time, not yours. Shouldn't you both be getting up?"  
I opened one eye. "B-- Oh." I was lying on my side, and if Rimmer had a physical presence, I'd have an arm on his chest and one leg over his. Instead, my arm and leg were inside him.  
I jumped back. "Oh, my god, that's so rude! I'm so sorry, Arnold!"  
He pulled back, too, and cleared his throat. "Yeah, that's, er, that's alright. Just don't do it again." He stood up and stretched. "I'll leave you to your breakfast."  
"Oh, er, yeah. I'll see you later."  
As Rimmer left, Kryten lifted the top off my tray. "Your breakfast and medicine, mum."  
I noticed Rimmer hesitate a second before continuing down the corridor. "Thanks, Krytie."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer's probably a bit OOC, but I wanted him to have someone to relate to. Plus, I'm bipolar, so I identify with the smeghead.

I normally spend as much time with the boys as I can, but little by little, I started spending more time in my bunk. I slept longer and ate less.  
After more than a week of this, Kryten and Rimmer showed up at my door. Kryten spoke first. “Excuse me, mum. I've brought something for you.”  
I sighed. “Do I have to?”  
“Yes, mum. You need to. Take these and we'll go to the medi bay to reevaluate your medicine.”  
I begrudgingly accepted the pills and glass of water he offered. “Alright, Kryten. Just let me change.”  
“Of course, mum,” he said. “We’ll be in the hall when you're ready.”  
Kryten left as promised, but Rimmer stayed behind. “Are you alright?” he asked.  
I groaned and rolled out of bed. “I'll be fine. It’s just that my meds are a little off.” Rimmer started to say something, then snapped his mouth shut.  
“I'm bipolar, Arnold. Kryten and Holly have been helping me, but my meds have to be adjusted occasionally.”  
“Oh.” He thought for a second. “I'll step out.”  
I shrugged. “Whatever. I'll be right there.” I threw a jumpsuit on over my tank and booty shorts and followed them to the medi bay.  
Holly met us at the door. “Have a seat,” she said. “I'm going to scan you.”  
Rimmer hovered in the background as Kryten, Holly, and one of the skutters fretted over me. About 10 minutes after receiving an injection, I was feeling more human. “Thanks, guys.”  
Kryten spoke up. “You stay here, mum, and I'll get you some breakfast.”  
“That’d be fantastic, Kryten.”  
Holly blinked off, and Kryten walked out. Rimmer stayed, shifting his weight back and forth. “Does, er, does this happen a lot?” He managed.  
“I dunno if it happens a LOT, but yeah, it happens sometimes. I hope it doesn't freak you out.”  
He snorted. “If you can deal with my psychoses, I can deal with yours.”  
“Rimmer, that’s the sweetest thing anyone's said to me in at least a million years.” My hand twitched as I tried for a second to reach out for him.  
He caught the twitch and smiled a little bitterly.  
“Stay with me for a minute?” I asked. “At least until Kryten gets back.”  
His smile brightened. “Alright. Hey, do you think I should be scanned?”  
Holly popped back up. “Er, no, I don’t think so, Rimmer. I don't have that much processing power.”  
He scowled. “You’re telling me you can handle a ship going faster than light, but you can't handle my brain?”  
Holly nodded. “That's it, yeah.”


	6. Chapter 6

If you count the trip to the medi bay as a date, then pranking Lister was our third date. Rimmer kept a lookout while I added tomatoes to a dozen or so of Lister's pre-made vindaloos and mixed them into the stacks. Of course, Dave figured out what we'd done after the first one, and he and Kryten searched for contaminated curry for weeks.  
About 6 months later, Lister got into a debate with Cat about how colors taste. Cat, the logical one for once, argued that colors don't have a flavor. After 30 minutes of back and forth, Dave was about to make a long closing argument on why a chicken vindaloo tastes purple when he sneezed directly into Cat's face.  
Rimmer and I laughed so hard that I slithered out of my chair onto the floor, which just made us both laugh harder. Arnold caught a breath before I did, and between convulsions, he wheezed, “I love you!” He immediately stopped laughing and tried to correct himself. “I meant the prank! I love the-- the...prank!” he finished, lamely.  
For the millionth time, I reflected on what I'd give to be able to touch him, just for a moment of reassurance. Instead, I mustered up the warmest smile I could, and I said, “I love you, too, Arnold.”  
“No, but I meant the prank. I meant that I love the prank,” he insisted.  
“And I meant that I love you, smeg-for-brains.”  
Lister and Kryten cheered, while Cat lurched away, muttering about needing some bleach.

* * *

It took the better part of 3 months to convince Rimmer it was perfectly acceptable to say “I love you.” Every time I said it, he'd start stuttering and blushing. Then, he'd run away.  
I wondered again what his family had done to him. Part of me even prayed one of them, preferably his father, had survived. I'd love nothing more than to shove a rented cactus where the sun doesn't shine.


	7. Chapter 7

I wanted to do something special for Rimmer's birthday. But what do you get a dead man?  
A body, of course.  
So a week before, I had Holly knock Rimmer out, and I made Kryten perform a body switch. It didn't hurt, but it was bizarre not being able to touch anything. And nothing can prepare you for seeing your body without you. But as a great philosopher once said, love makes you do the wacky.  
Kryten carried Rimmer-me back to our bunk, and I curled up next to him. I ordered him to bring Rimmer the biggest, most calorie-rich breakfast he could create. He shuddered, but did as I'd instructed.  
Unfortunately, Arnold doesn't wake up any faster than I do, so his first reaction was to berate the poor mechanoid. “What the smeg am I supposed to do with this, you son of a printer? Hm?” he gestured to the spread, but stopped when he noticed the nail polish on his fingers. He whirled to look at me -- er, him. His mouth fell open, and I marveled for a moment that my jaw could open that wide.  
“Happy birthday,” I said.  
“How did --? Why would --? After --?” he stuttered.  
“Why would I swap with you after what you did to Lister and Cat?” I finished.  
He nodded.  
“Because I’d think you have a... vested interest in my body. Besides, Cat has agreed to help me lose any weight you gain.” I arched my/his eyebrow. “And Lister has agreed to track you down if you go AWOL again. He’s even been practicing with one of our tranq guns.” I grinned.  
He had the decency to look chagrined for a moment. “But I can have all this?” he asked, gesturing to the mountain of food.  
“It's all yours,” I said. “But if you cut my hair, I'll lock you in Better Than Life and have Holly put the results up for everyone to see.”  
He thought for a moment and said, “Fair enough.” Then, he literally shoved my head into the mound of waffles.

I'd seen what 2 weeks had done to Lister, so I gave Rimmer one. One week to indulge every Hedonistic desire he could think of, save one. I’d promised him something extra special for his birthday night. He was intrigued, practically begging me each night for his surprise. But other than a flirtatious smile, I kept my/his mouth shut.

Finally, the night arrived. Rimmer followed me into our bunk, where I directed him to sit down on the bed.  
“What's going on?” he asked.  
“There’s a box under the bed. Get it.”  
He was confused, but he complied.  
“Go ahead and open it,” I said.  
He looked at the contents for a minute, then back at me. “I -- I don't understand.”  
I giggled. “One day, we're going to get you a body, and I'm going to do unspeakable things to it.” He instantly flushed red. “But I have reason to believe you might not be extremely, er, experienced, so I thought you should know what works.”  
His/my mouth formed a small O. Then, he frowned. “I have plenty of experience! I've made love many --"  
I rolled my eyes.  
“I've made love a few --"  
I snorted.   
“Fine. But I've made love,” he retorted.   
“I never said you hadn't. I said you weren't ‘extremely experienced.' But on that day, I want you to thoroughly bang my brains out, so I thought I’d give you a leg up. Are you interested?”  
“Definitely.”  
“Okay. Then, take off my clothes, grab the tie-dyed vibrator, and let's get going.”


	8. 501: Holoship

When Rimmer disappeared, I launched myself at the controls, hurling obscenities at the ship and demanding they bring him back. Instead they sent... Binks.  
My first instinct was to punch him. Unfortunately, he was a hologram and untouchable. Instead, I went to the munitions cabinet and grabbed our holowhip. I came back just in time to hear Lister threaten him with said weapon, so I grinned maniacally and turned it on. Binks vanished before I could use it.  
Holly kept trying to handshake with the ship, while I paced and tried to figure out how to kill dead people. Kryten tried to calm me down with a cup of tea, and Lister and Cat stood uncomfortably in the back, obviously avoiding me.  
Then, as quickly as he'd disappeared, Rimmer reappeared. I ran to him. "Arnold, are you alright?"  
He smiled. "I'm fine. That ship has everything, and I'm going to join!"  
I blinked. "You're leaving m-- the Dwarf?"  
"Of course," he replied. He then explained the tests he'd be taking and how he needed Kryten to perform a mind patch. He continued, "They have lots of sex, too. At least twice a day. I actually was propositioned." As an afterthought, he added, "I declined."  
"Thanks," I said. I was ecstatic that he'd turned someone down, but if I'm going to lose him anyway, does it really matter?  
The boys agreed to help, and everyone walked off toward the medibay. I slumped down onto the floor.  
Holly appeared. "He's never been in a relationship, you know. He's trying, but he doesn't know he's being a twat. You'll have to tell him."  
"I know," I said.

* * *

I finally made my way to the medibay.  
Rimmer's face brightened upon seeing me. "Ah, you're here! You're so smart that you won't need a patch, but I was hoping you'd watch me get mine. I thought it might keep me from losing my mind."  
"Um, thanks?" I said.  
"You can definitely pass the tests on your own," he said, reassuringly.  
"Wait. What tests?" I asked. "I'm not taking any tests."  
He waved Kryten off, then stood up and walked toward me. "Of course you are. How else are we going to be together?"  
"I can't go on the ship, dipstick. It's made of light."  
"But your hologram can," he explained as patiently as he could.  
Lister and Cat blanched.  
"So let me get this straight," I said, crossing my arms. "You want us to replace -- murder, really -- two crewmen, then fly off into the sunset?"  
"Yes!" he enthused. "I knew you'd get it!"  
"I'm not doing that."  
His face fell. "Why the smeg not?"  
I turned to Lister. "Did I really fall for someone this stupid?"  
Lister shrugged. "Yeah, you did."  
I sighed, then looked back to Rimmer. "A version of me would be with you, but it still wouldn't be me. I'd have to watch you leave without me." Rimmer started to speak, but I held up my finger. "And if you even suggest that I kill myself in some Romeo and Juliet bullshit, I really will activate my hologram just so I can punch you in the dick."  
Rimmer was quiet for a long time. He looked around the room, making eye contact with everyone, obviously looking for someone to back him up. When no one did, he sat back down. "Kryten, start the patch."  
My jaw fell open. "...fine, Rimmer," I said, putting every bit of emphasis on the first syllable. I spun on my heel and stormed out. I stomped down the corridors to our -- now my -- bunk. I threw myself onto the bed and gave up fighting my tears.

* * *

Holly interrupted my pity party some time later. "Rimmer is back on board. Apparently, his patch failed."  
I burrowed deeper into the pillow. 'Good,' I thought.  
"The rest of the crew was interviewing possible hologram replacements," she added.  
I threw my pillow at her screen, and she disappeared. I tried to sleep but couldn't quite manage it. So I sighed and dragged myself out of bed in search of something mind-numbing. I got a drink and slumped dramatically into the seat next to Cat.  
Lister gestured to the door. "You've just missed him. He's decided to withdraw."  
I shrugged and took a drink. "Fantastic," I muttered. "Can we pick a new hologram, anyway?"  
Cat snorted. "We've interviewed everyone, and this paragon of humanity," he said, pointing to Lister, "has traumatized the whole crew!"  
Lister just grinned at me. I smacked his arm. "So what?" I said. "We're the boys from the Dwarf! We're perfect as is!"  
Kryten tutted, "Mum, you're not really a 'boy.'"  
Cat looked me up and down. "No, she is not," he crooned.  
"It's a figure of speech, guys," Lister tried to explain.  
Cat arched his eyebrow in thought. "Hey, with Trans-Am Wheel-arch Nostrils gone, are you available?"  
I snorted. "Well, he's been gone for a few hours, so yeah, I've had time to get over him. I'm completely ready to move on."  
Cat grinned. "Alright, so are we --"  
I dropped my head. "We've lived together for how long, Cat? And you still don't understand sarcasm?"  
"Not when it comes to sex!" he wailed.  
I thunked my head onto the table. "Yup, that's on me," I said. "Sorry."  
Rimmer suddenly rematerialized. "I won," he said.  
I looked up and lifted my drink to him, determined not to let him see me sad. "Congrats," I said. "You've got everything you've ever wanted."  
Rimmer's eyes narrowed. "Yes, well, I'll be leaving tonight."  
"Good for you," I said.

* * *

"Transfer," he said, leaving me.  
I immediately stalked off toward the officers' club, where I put on the loudest music I could find in that smeggy little jukebox, grabbed a bottle of something alcoholic, and slid into a booth.  
I got up a few minutes later to get a second bottle, marveling at my new tolerance for alcohol. 'Thanks, Lister,' I thought, angrily.  
When I sat back down, a voice behind me said, "Excuse me. Would you like to join me in a cocktail?"  
I snorted derisively. "No."  
"You're supposed to say 'yes,'" the voice said, quietly.  
I turned to look at him, noticing the remorse on his face. 'Are those tears?' I wondered. I decided it didn't matter.  
Instead, I lifted my bottle. "I'm good. Thanks."  
"But would you like a wormdo?"  
I rolled my eyes, but the corner of my mouth quirked up, anyway. "What's a wormdo?"  
He mimicked a worm with his index finger. "It wriggles along the ground like that."  
I laughed briefly, just one quick "ha." Then, I said, "Oh, that is just the worst, Rimmer."  
"You still laughed," he said. I could hear the hope in his voice.  
I was quiet for a long moment. "Why did you come back?" I asked.  
"Because I had everything I'd ever wanted."  
I furrowed my brow. "I don't understand."  
"I had everything I'd ever wanted, but I don't want it anymore. I mean, I do," he stuttered. "I still want a body. I still want to be an officer. I just don't want to do it without you." He grimaced, then added, "I cannot believe I just said that."


	9. 602: Legion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do a chapter on the Inquisitor, but I couldn't come up with anything. So if anyone has any ideas, please comment or message me!

"Step up to red alert!" Rimmer yelled.  
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb," Kryten interjected.  
I burst out laughing, which earned a reproachful look from Rimmer. I laughed even harder.  
Cat zigged and zagged, trying to lose the strange comet-like thing chasing us, but it didn't work. Rimmer tried surrendering, but it stayed on us. Eventually, it hit us and knocked out Starbug's power. It dumped us in a space station.  
The boys piled out and went "shopping" for parts and food. I stayed behind, hoping to tweak Starbug's performance, so we could catch up to the Dwarf faster.  
Periodically, I checked in with the guys, as much to hear their voices as to ask for Kryten's advice when I got stuck.  
The radio crackled to life again and Cat reported in. "I smell something that's almost off my nasal spectrum! Kryten thinks it might be a person."  
"Fantastic!" I enthused. "Keep me posted, alright? I'm pretty deep into Starbug's guts, so if I don't answer, keep trying."  
"Yeah, yeah," Cat replied. "Keep trying! I need my suits back!"  
Rimmer broke in. "Don't forget to eat."  
"I won't," I replied, automatically. "See you in a bit, boys," I added, pressing the button to end the conversation.

* * *

The next thing I knew, I was woken up by the com. I'd fallen asleep deep inside Starbug. Lister was repeatedly calling my name.  
I rubbed my eyes and grabbed the radio. "Yeah?"  
Lister giggled. "You fell asleep while fixing Starbug, didn't you?"  
"Sure did," I said, stretching.  
"Well, we're on the way back," he said. "And we've got a surprise for you."  
"Oh? Did you find a person?"  
"Yeeaaah," he said. "Sort of. But he's not coming back with us."  
"Huh. Okay. Well, I'll clean up some and see you in a bit."

* * *

I had just enough time to wash up and get changed before the door opened. Rimmer hesitantly stood in the opening for a moment, before lurching forward as if someone had pushed him. Before I could register the smirk on Lister's face, Rimmer's hands were buried in my hair, and his lips were pressed onto mine.  
I stuck one hand in his curls and wrapped the other around his waist. I opened my mouth a bit, and Rimmer mirrored my actions. We swirled our tongues together, as he slowly extricated his hands from my hair and slid them down my back. When he reached my butt, he squeezed, and I leapt up into his arms, tightly wrapping my legs around his waist.  
About that time, I finally registered Cat's gagging. I pulled away from Arnold with a loud smack and just stared at him. I touched his face with my knuckles. "I love this dream," I breathed.  
Rimmer smiled. "It's not a dream," he said, kissing and nibbling my throat.  
Lister broke in. "He's a hard light hologram. He can even eat now."  
I looked at him. "So this is real? I'm not going to wake up suddenly?" I asked.  
Lister grinned. "Nope. You're stuck with him now."  
I squealed with happiness and kissed the scar on Rimmer's jaw. Then, I whispered in his ear. "Take me to bed."  
He flushed completely red but immediately turned to comply. I called over Rimmer's shoulder, "Don't come looking for us any time soon!"  
Cat shuddered.

* * *

We reemerged a long while later to refuel.  
"You two should just get married," Lister said.  
I choked on my cereal.  
Rimmer choked on nothing. "We should what?"  
"Get married," Lister repeated.  
"Why?" I asked. "We're the last group of humans, and we're 3 million years into space. Who would we be getting married for?"  
"For each other, duh," Lister said, rolling his eyes.   
Rimmer and I looked at each other for a moment, then cracked up. "I'm not taking your name," I said.  
"That's fair," Rimmer responded. "I wouldn't be a Rimmer, either, if I had a choice."  
Lister sighed. "Neither of you has a romantic bone in your body."


	10. 702: Stoke Me a Clipper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to decide whether the next chapter should have Kochanski or not. Since she was originally designed to replace Rimmer, she isn't necessary, but I thought having 2 girls might make for an interesting dynamic. Please comment any opinions!

I plopped down at the table next to Cat. "Hey," I whispered.  
"Yeah?" he answered.  
"Are you up for screwing with Lister?"  
"Am I the best dressed person in the galaxy?" he retorted.  
I grinned. "Okay. Lister should be stumbling in looking for breakfast soon. When he does, I want you to make sure he goes to the kitchen."  
"Kryten brings him his breakfast, though," Cat pointed out.  
"Don't worry about him. I told him I didn't have any clean shorts, and he freaked out and ran to the laundry room, where I _may_ have unplugged a few wires." I waved a hand to stop Cat's inevitable questions. "I only unplugged enough to keep him busy, not enough to break the machines."  
"Oh, good. I hate doing laundry," he said, making a face.  
"Anyway, I just need you to make sure Lister goes to the kitchen."  
"So what are you going to do?"  
"You've got great hearing, right?"  
Cat nodded.  
"Then, you'll figure it out in a minute," I said with a wink.  
"...okay," Cat hesitantly agreed.  
"Thanks!" I squealed. I stood up and turned to meet Rimmer in the kitchen. Ever since Legion had upgraded his light bee, Rimmer had been stuffing his face.  
Sure enough, Rimmer was shoving a handful of cereal in his mouth when I rounded the corner. He chewed for a minute, then swallowed. "Hi," he said, sheepishly.  
I stepped up as close to him as I could and took his cereal box. Then, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my body into his as I slowly put the box into the cabinet. Rimmer looked down, and his breath hitched. He leaned in and whispered in my ear. "We need to go to our bunk."  
"Why?" I whispered back. "Just take me here."  
He glanced at the door. "Won't we get caught?"  
"Isn't that half the fun?" I said, slowly walking my fingers up from his waistband to the curls at the back of his neck.  
He suddenly wrapped his hands around my waist, spun me around, and plunked me on the counter. "Works for me," he breathed in my ear. He gently licked my throat.  
"Oh, god," I groaned. I wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and slid the other one up his shirt. I stared at him for just a moment before kissing him.  
Arnold might not have known much about astro navigation, but he'd learned how to play my body better than Psiren Lister could play the guitar. He quickly had one hand in my bra and the other up my skirt. Within moments, I was writhing in pleasure.  
It was difficult to focus, but I managed to slide my hand down to his waist and unbuckle his belt. I yanked his pants and underwear down, lifted my skirt, wrapped my legs around his waist, and put my arms around his neck. I then pulled myself forward onto his cock.  
He eagerly accepted my weight and dug his fingers into my hips. "You feel so good," he said between thrusts.  
"Make me scream," I moaned.  
Arnold complied.  
Lister reeled in just as Arnold came. Dave immediately ran back out, yelling indignantly. By the time he had stalked back into the dining area, Cat was laughing so hard he wasn't making any noise.  
Kryten lurched in from the laundry room. "Sirs? What's wrong?"  
Lister, still walking away from the kitchen, called over his shoulder, "Your bunk! What's wrong with your smegging bunk?!"  
A few seconds later, Rimmer emerged, wiping lipstick from his face. I followed, yanking my skirt back into place.  
"Our bunk?" I questioned. "You mean the one that shares a wall with yours?"  
"Yeah, that one!" he yelled.  
"The one where you bang on the wall whenever I get too loud?"  
"That's you?" Cat screeched.  
"Damn right," I said, winking at him. "Oh, except for --"  
Rimmer clamped his hand over my mouth and brayed an awkward laugh. "Yup, that's her, completely and totally her!" He glared at me for a moment before removing his hand.  
I just grinned.

* * *

A few hours later, Cat was at the helm, Kryten and Lister were in the AR unit, and Rimmer and I were finally watching Casablanca when the power failed.  
All the alert signs lit up at once, and Cat started howling about a fire. Rimmer and I glanced at each other before splitting up. I monitored the computer readouts, and Rimmer grabbed an extinguisher.  
Lister and Kryten walked in, fighting against Starbug's wobble.  
"Morning!" Rimmer cheerfully greeted them.  
Kryten spoke first. "What the smeeee is going on?"  
"A power drain is knocking out all the generators!" I yelled over the cacophony.  
"Cause?" Lister shouted.  
"An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft dimension jumping!" Cat answered.  
"Any ident details?" Kryten asked.  
Rimmer and I looked at each other in mounting horror. "The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it was Captain Smug Git himself: Ace Rimmer," he said.  
I grimaced, but finished Rimmer's train of thought. "Dear god, don't let it be him. I couldn't bear it."  
Cat opened a communication channel before either of us could continue complaining. "This is the JMC transport ship Starbug opening channels. Please identify yourselves."  
Ace's face popped up on the screen. "Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast. How're those kippers doing?"  
Rimmer sat down heavily and began banging his head on the console.  
Cat replied. "Ace, buddy! How're you doing?"  
Ace responded. "All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye."  
"Wow, that's sharp. Thanks, buddy!"  
Rimmer broke in. "According to the log we're down to our last 3,000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough."  
I snorted derisively.

* * *

Lister, Cat, Kryten, and I were waiting for Ace to enter. Arnold was "monitoring" things in the cockpit, in an effort to avoid dealing with his doppelganger.  
Lister spoke first. "Ace, good to see you! How're you doing?"  
Ace jauntily said, "Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know what day it is."  
"So, what have you been up to, sir?" Kryten inquired.  
"Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done," Ace said.  
As he pushed past everyone, he ran into me. "Oh, hello. I don't believe we've met." He stuck his hand out. "I'm Ace Rimmer."  
I looked at his hand then back to his face. "I know who you are," I said. Then, I crossed my arms.  
He dropped his hand. "Oh, yes?"  
"Yes. I was in my bunk the last time you visited, but I was here. Holly showed me the recordings."  
"Then maybe we could get to know each other better this time," he offered.  
I raised one hand in a 'please stop' motion. "You probably don't hear this often, but I'm good." I spun around and left.  
"You are good," I heard him mutter.

* * *

I went back to the cockpit to see my Rimmer.  
"Well, you've met my better self. Will you be having a simple registry office, or a full church do for you two?" he said, bitterly.  
I laughed. "Arnold, you're an idiot. Did you even watch our conversation?"  
"No. I turned it off."  
I facepalmed. "Ace is a tool."  
"You can't be serious. Everyone loves him. You just thought he was a git because you'd only seen him in recordings."  
I rolled my eyes and walked over to Rimmer. Before he could respond or push me away, I sat on his lap. I kissed him, then said, "I love _you_, you moron. I think Ace is a git because Ace actually is a git."  
Of course, that's when everyone else entered. Ace either didn't hear me or chose to ignore me. "So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?"  
"I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually," Rimmer replied. "Let me see. I've begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and I've alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with its fellows."  
I burst out laughing.  
Cat broke in. "I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For starters, you can tell me the name of your stylist!"  
Ace appealed to Cat's vanity instead. "Thanks, Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm," he said. "Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for Alfonse." As Ace walked away, he tried once more to talk to Rimmer. "Arnie, up for a stroll?"  
"Thanks for the offer," Rimmer said. "But I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas."  
I giggled and dropped my head onto Rimmer's shoulder.  
"I'll take that as a 'no', then," Ace said, walking away.  
I stood up. "Oh, Rimmer, go with him."  
"I don't want to," Rimmer answered, petulantly.  
"But, sir, he wants you to," Kryten interjected.  
"And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don't always get what we want."  
Lister tried next. "But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond."  
"The only bonding I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!" Rimmer said, heatedly.  
We all stared at him.  
Finally, he broke. "Oh, all right. I'm going. God!"

* * *

When Rimmer sat down next to me, he was a bit pale. "He, er, he wants me to take over for him."  
"Take over what?" I asked.  
"Take over being him. He's dying, and he wants me to be the new Ace Rimmer."  
"How the smeg would that work?"  
"Something about training me in the AR unit. Teaching me to be brave and…" he trailed off.  
"Generally gitty?" I finished.  
He sighed. "Exactly."  
"You laughed at him, right?"  
"No. I just kind of left."  
"Are you going to do it?"  
"Oh, god, no! Not in a million years," he said.  
"What about 3 million?" I teased.  
Rimmer rolled his eyes.  
"What if you did let him teach you?"  
"Why would I ever smegging do that?"  
"Well, you could be Ace after I, er," I cleared my throat and pressed on. "After I die."  
"After you _what_?" he yelled.  
I put my hand on his. "Arnold, I'm not going to live forever. Your light bee will keep going for a lot longer."  
He opened and closed his mouth a few times but didn't make any noise.  
I pulled my hand back from his and covered my mouth to hide my smirk. He looked like a goldfish, and it was killing me.  
Lister entered, also poorly concealing laughter.  
Rimmer finally snapped out of his trance. "What is it? What's the joke?"  
"Nothing, nothing," Lister answered. He continued to stifle laughter.  
"Well, clearly, it's not nothing. Clearly, you've just heard something terribly amusing," Rimmer said.  
"Clearly," I added.  
Lister ignored me and grabbed a can of lager. "It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next Ace Rimmer --" Lister finally lost control and burst out laughing. "It's just, you, you know? The next Ace… The very idea."  
"It's not so ridiculous, Lister!" Rimmer said.  
Lister strode into the cockpit. Rimmer and I followed.  
Rimmer continued, "Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it."  
Lister snorted. "Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offense, but get real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you."  
"Hey!" I interjected.  
Rimmer looked at me and mouthed, "Thank you." Then, he turned back to Lister. "Well, that, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong. Because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins --" he checked his watch "-- right now."  
I grabbed his hand and squeezed. "Go get 'em."

* * *

When Ace entered my bunk a while later, I just looked at him. "Did you learn anything fun?"  
He deflated. "How did you know it was me?"  
"Arnold, I'm screwing you. I know the difference between the love of my life and that smug bastard."  
"That smug bastard is dead," he said quietly.  
"Oh." I thought for a second, then said, "Now what?"  
He sat down next to me and pulled off his wig. "I don't know."  
Lister stuck his head in. "Ace said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said it might make you change your mind."  
I shrugged, stood up, and grabbed Rimmer's hand. "Come on," I said. "What have we got to lose?"  
Rimmer stood up, and we both followed Lister to the memorial service.  
None of us knew Ace that well, but we stumbled through his eulogy. Cat complimented his hair, and Kryten thanked him for his extra jacket. Rimmer and I stood quietly in the corner, holding hands. Lister said the final goodbye and shot Ace out of the waste disposal unit.  
We all raced to the cockpit to follow the coffin. It led us through a swirling warp of some kind and stopped at a golden ringed planet.  
"It's beautiful," I breathed.  
"All those Rimmers…" Rimmer said.  
"They all did it," Lister said. "They all became Ace, passed on the flame. Are you really gonna be the one to break the chain?"  
I looked at Rimmer. Everyone could read the fear on my face.  
Rimmer grabbed my hand and squeezed. "I am," he said. "For now, at least."


	11. Chapter 11

It was Rimmer's and my turn in the cockpit, but instead of looking for the Petite Rouge One, I was pacing, trying to burn off some of my extra energy.  
"Would you stop that?" Rimmer finally snapped.  
I whirled on him. "But I've got a great idea! I'm just trying to work out the specifics."  
"Would you like to share with the rest of the class? I'm quite the planner, you know," he responded smugly.  
I flopped down into one of the chairs. "Oh, I know, darling. Your timetables are legendary. I just don't think you're going to be interested in this."  
He spun his chair to face me better. "Try me."  
"Well, assuming the ship's chronometer is correct --" I began.  
Rimmer immediately interrupted. "You're not really going to trust that _Holly_ kept accurate time, are you? That bimbo had to bang her head on the screen to do basic arithmetic!"  
I crossed my arms. "Do you have a better idea of what month it is?"  
"Well, erm, no, not as such," he stammered.  
"Then, we're going to continue as if it's October, all right?"  
Rimmer rolled his eyes, but motioned for me to continue.  
"Since it's October," I continued, "I want to celebrate Halloween."  
"Halloween?" Rimmer scoffed.  
"Yeah!" I squealed. I started counting things off on my fingers. "Costumes, bobbing for apples, scary movies, trick or treat --"  
"There are only 5 of us. How are we supposed to trick or treat? And we don't have any apples! Are we supposed to bob for space weevils?"  
I tilted my head for a second. "Fine. I'll give you that," I agreed. "But we can still dress up and watch movies."  
"Isn't that what we do every night?" he countered.  
"Arnold! I'm going to dress up this year. It's up to you what I dress as."  
"Is that a threat?" he clarified.  
"Oh, yes," I said, with a grin. I stood up, walked over to him, then sat down in his lap. I lightly placed my hand on his chest. "Or it could be a promise."  
He glanced at my hand, then back to my eyes. He cleared his throat. "Wh-- er, what did you have in mind?"  
"Well, I'm not sure of the specifics, but I thought we could reprogram your appearance. I could just raid Cat's and Lister's wardrobes."  
"You are not wearing Lister's clothes," he interjected. "They're filthy. You'll catch some bizarre flesh-eating fungus."  
I sighed. "Kryten will clean them. I just think we'd look good as pirates."  
"I cannot be a pirate! I've spent my life trying to be an officer in the Space Corps, not a thieving pile of smeg space-pirate!"  
I lightly slapped his arm. "Not a space-pirate, a sail-the-seven-seas pirate! Like from the 1700s, with parrots and rum!" I said, with a laugh.  
"I still don't want to be associated with brigands and thieves," he pouted.  
I stood up and put my hand on my hip. "Are you honestly saying you don't want to see me in a corset and knee high boots?"  
He swallowed hard, then asked, "You've got a corset?"  
"Maybe," I answered. "But you'll never know if you don't play along."  
He sighed.

* * *

I quickly surveyed our bunk. Cat might miss his clothes, but I miss having a proper room. This one is so much smaller than the captain's quarters on Red Dwarf.  
Rimmer and I pushed some mattresses and pillows together on the floor to make a bed big enough for both of us, but that just doesn't leave a lot of room for changing clothes… which is why I had to put my corset on in the shower stall.  
Standing in our bunk, I took a final look in the mirror. I couldn't find a decent hat to save my life, but I did steal a quite fetching scarf from Cat to tie around my head. The skirt and boots are mine, and we chanced upon a corset on one of the last ships we scavenged from.  
The Captain looked great in it. I hated to take it from him, but the look on Rimmer's face was going to be worth it. Hopefully.  
"Rimmer?" I called. "You can come in now."  
The door slid back, and Rimmer just stood there, silent.  
I waved my hand at him. "Arnold? Are you okay?"  
He blinked a few times and finally realized he hadn't said anything. "Wow," he began. "You look incredible."  
I sighed in relief. "Oh, good. I was afraid I'd gone too far. Lister said it was too much."  
Rimmer slowly walked toward me. "I always knew Lister was an idiot."  
"Well, yeah, there's a reason I didn't listen to him," I said, with a nervous giggle.  
Rimmer didn't break eye contact, even as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him.  
I gently touched his cheek. "Are you okay?"  
"I just didn't see the appeal of Halloween before," he murmured. "I've never had anyone who wanted to dress up with me. Or for me, for that matter."  
"Oh, Arn," I sighed. "One of these days I'm gonna find a way to time travel just so I can put these boots up your family's asses."  
He snorted. "Don't bother. They're not worth your time."  
"Yeah, I suppose you're right," I begrudgingly agreed. I dropped my hand to his chest. "Do you want to work on your costume?"  
"Not particularly," he answered with a smirk. "I thought it might be more fun to take yours off."  
"But it took me 20 minutes just to get the corset on!" I whined.  
"Then, leave it," he purred, tightening his grip on my waist.  
"Ooh, kinky," I said.  
He slid his hand around to the front of my skirt and quickly untied the long, thin belt around my waist, then pushed it into my hands.  
I arched an eyebrow in question. "Are you sure?"  
He nodded, eagerly.  
"Okay," I said, with a shrug. Then, I shoved him hard enough to make him fall onto the bed. I followed him down, sitting on his thighs. "Hands up, prisoner!"  
He dutifully held his hands out, and I bound them with my belt.  
"Where's my treasure, boy?" I spat.  
"I-I don't know what treasure you mean," he sputtered. "I've never seen any treasure. I'm just a sailor."  
I jabbed my finger on his face. "You will address me as 'mistress.' Or 'goddess,' if you're so inclined."  
"Yes, mistress!" he yelped.  
"Good," I said. I slid my fingers under his uniform top and snorted as Rimmer's muscles contracted.  
I briefly marveled at the technology Legion had given us. I could actually undress my boyfriend; the only indication that he wasn't a living, breathing human was that his uniform disappeared as soon as Rimmer wanted.  
I kissed his stomach. "Maybe I could find a different way to get the information from you," I said, kissing a little higher. "Maybe I could bribe you."  
Arnold bit his lip, no doubt holding back a moan.  
Well, that just wouldn't do. I wanted to hear that lovely baritone. So I moved my hands up even higher and brushed his nipples with my thumbs, while simultaneously licking a circle around his navel.  
"Oh, god," he moaned.  
I looked up at him with a grin. "Goddess, remember?"  
"Oh, yes, goddess," he instantly responded.  
This isn't my usual kink, but I could definitely get used to it. I withdrew my hands from his chest, earning a small whine of protest. I winked at him and slowly unbuttoned his jacket. I pushed up the snug undershirt he also wore. Both disappeared, leaving him in his uniform pants.  
"Good boy," I said. "Do you know where that treasure is, yet?"  
"N-no, I still d-don't know what you're talking about," he stuttered.  
"That's okay," I cooed. "I'll get it out of you, eventually." I unbuttoned his pants, pulling them and his underwear down just far enough. "Are you ready?" I asked.  
He lifted his head from the mattress to watch me. "Are you not wearing any underwear?"  
I winked at him.  
"Oh, yeah, I'm the kinky one," he chuckled.  
"Hush," I said, and before he could react, I hitched up my skirt, scooted forward a bit, and slid onto his cock. I hadn't realized exactly how into this I was, until I felt him enter me without any resistance. I tossed my head back, letting my skirt fall. "Oh, yes, Arnold," I breathed. I planted my hands on his chest and rolled my hips.  
He gasped and thrust up to meet me.  
I rode him like that for a moment, thoroughly enjoying the burn in my thighs. I leaned down to kiss him; lost in the moment, I wasn't prepared for him to wrap his now unbound hands behind my back and flip us.  
"How did you get out of that?" I panted, indicating my belt.  
He grinned, continuing to fuck me. "Hard light strength, remember?"  
"Oh, god-- yes! Yes, I remember!" I squealed, digging my fingernails into his shoulder blades.  
He brushed the hair that had escaped from my scarf out of my face. "Did I just find your g-spot?"  
"Oh, you know you did," I retorted. I wrapped my legs around his waist. "Do it again."  
He buried his face in my throat, kissing, sucking, and nibbling all the places I love most, while screwing me even harder.  
"Oh, oh, yes, please, oh, don't stop, don't stop, don't --" my entire body tensed as I came so hard I forgot to breathe. I gasped for air.  
Rimmer never let up, and in seconds, I was coming again. "I love the way you flutter around my cock," he breathed in my ear. "One more time?"  
"Yes, unh, please," I moaned.  
"If you insist," he chuckled. He sped up.  
I grabbed his ass, so I had something to ground me, as I came one more time.  
Arnold's hips stuttered, as he finally finished, too. He bonelessly rolled off me.  
"I can't feel my legs," I said.  
"Good," he answered. He lifted his arm. "Come here."  
"What part of 'I can't feel my legs' do you not understand?" I answered.  
"Just roll over," he said. "Do you need your legs to roll over?"  
"I mean, kind of," I said. I finally turned my head to look at him, and we both burst out laughing.  
"Fine," he said. Moving closer, he added, "I'll meet you halfway."  
With a great show of effort, I finally rolled over. "You should really take it as a compliment, you know."  
He kissed my forehead. "Don't worry. I do."  
"Weren't we supposed to watch movies with the boys?"  
"Who cares about those morons?" he retorted.


End file.
